DEAR GAWD, IT’S ME… LOU C. FUR -Short Fiction
18 May 2012 13 Comments
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DEAR GAWD, IT’S ME… LOU C. FUR by Bonnie Wurst ©2012
Dear Gawd,
In all due respect (you are the master creator after all), I decided to write you this letter and send it by snail mail because you haven’t returned any of my calls and I am perturbed.
You see, I’m a little hot-under-the collar about a few things and I was hoping you’d enlighten me. (Pun intended, because I got a feelin’ there’s more than a few sparks of humor under that halo of yours)
Here’s the thing. Lately I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands, but for some reason I find myself quite uncomfortable with it. I’ve hardly been working, maybe one or two days a week at most, yet quite a few things are still managing to go horribly evil. All hell seems to be breaking loose above me. More
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OCCUPY THIS! Short Fiction
05 May 2012 17 Comments
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OCCUPY THIS! by Bonnie Wurst ©2012 – Short Fiction
Granny Nanny had enough and she was going to do something about it. Picking up her Pie-Pad she began composing a message:
‘CODE SILVER: Ladies, it’s time! Get your knickers on… the day of the Golden Revolution is here! The time has come to execute Plan Occupy Grey. United we shall stand, sit or lean!’
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Rooters News -This just in:
GRANNIES ALL OVER NORTH AMERICA STAGE MASSIVE PROTESTS!
This morning Grannies from all over North America rallied in huge groups to protest the government approval of Da’-ManSanto’s new genetically modified apple trees. The DNA of the trees has been altered with the genes from chicken soup and radioactive wheat bran, producing an apple that will bake itself into a pie, cure colds and support regularity. More
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FOO-FOO’S BAD HARE DAY – A Warped Tale
20 Apr 2012 18 Comments
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*For those of you unfamiliar with the popular children’s poem, ‘Little Bunny Foo-Foo’:
Little Bunny Foo Foo is sung to the tune of ‘Down By The Station’. The rhyme is usually sung by an older person to a younger child, accompanied by hand gestures – and some hoppin’ & boppin’. It involves a rabbit who is constantly harassing field mice. The rabbit is scolded and eventually punished by the Good Fairy. It goes like this:
Little Bunny Foo Foo, Hopping through the forest,
Scooping up the field mice and boppin’ ‘em on the head.
Down came the Good Fairy, And she said:
“Little Bunny Foo Foo, I don’t want to see you
Scooping up the field mice and boppin’ ‘em on the head
I’ll give you three chances, And if you don’t behave, I’ll turn you… into a Goon!”
The next day…
The verse is repeated 2 more times, with the last verse ending:
… I gave you three chances, And you didn’t behave. NOW YOU’RE A GOON! POOF!!”
As expected, it ends with Mr. Bunny Foo-Foo being transformed into a Goon. But perhaps not. What if there was more to this poem then meets the verse? And so, to entertain the idea… More
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CAT-A-TONIC – Short HUMOR
06 Apr 2012 11 Comments
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CAT-A-TONIC by Bonnie Wurst ©2012 – Short HUMOR
*WARNING: It is advised that you do not let your feline friends read this story – it may cause a household rebellion. (This goes for canine friends as well, because they might get some ideas of their own)
“Look, if we’re going to get along you’re going to have to understand a few things around here,” declared Jewel, a four-year old tabby cat. “I know it’s just a stage, but you have to try to calm down a bit.”
“But-but… oh boy! Look at dat! Look at dat!” cried out Loop, a three-month old black & white kitten and new arrival to the house, as he pounced upon a rather large dust ball – a very clear and present danger.
“Loop! Cut it out! Focus… focus!”
“Oh ya’… okay…ya’. I sorry. I try better,” Loop said while attempting to ignore the fierce glare of the dust ball.
“Very well,” Jewel conceded as Loop rubbed up against her and purred. She gave him an approving lick behind the ears and he finally settled down beside her.
“See, I quiet now.”
Although the little guy was sure to drive her crazy for the next year or so, she liked Loop and wanted to share some of her feline wisdom with him. “Loop, the humans who brought you home will soon be back and there are a few things you should know about them. Things to make your stay here very, very enjoyable.” More
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HOLY MOSES! – Short HUMOR
23 Mar 2012 10 Comments
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HOLY MOSES! by Bonnie Wurst ©2012 – Short HUMOR (Fiction)
Moses was not the happiest of campers right now. He was back up on top of Mount Sinai. For the second time. It wasn’t an easy climb, having to lug the two stone tablets with him.
The LORD had first called upon Moses to climb the mountain to receive the Law and the Ten Commandments for the Children of Israel. He stood in fear and awe when the LORD appeared to him and trembled with wonder as the very finger of the LORD himself wrote the Commandments upon the original stone tablets. (*NOTE: The LORD was way ahead of the iPad) More
For Robyn… With Love *Special Post
16 Mar 2012 1 Comment
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REACHING OUT FOR SUPPORT FOR A FRIEND… FROM MY FRIENDS!!!!!
No story on my blog for this week.
Instead I am dedicating a post to my good friend Robyn Laniel Bloomfield, who is battling Lung Cancer:
WHAT COLOR RIBBON DO YOU WEAR? More
MAJOR GASEOUS CONSORTIUM – Short HUMOR
09 Mar 2012 13 Comments
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I dedicate this story to the Mallen tribe… XXOO
MAJOR GASEOUS CONSORTIUM by Bonnie Wurst ©2012 – Short HUMOR
The ‘Big Three’ car manufacturers; Gee Em, Fjord and Cry-Slur, reveal ground breaking fuel technology and announce the launch of a new line of vehicles that will save consumers billions of dollars at the pump.
Ralph Beanster, spokesperson for the Consortium, had this to say at a press conference this morning:
“On behalf of Gee Em, Fjord and Cry-Slur, I am very excited to announce the development of the ‘Organic Mobile System’ – or OM’s for short. Scientists and engineers from the Consortium worked together to bring about a new technology that will usher in the next generation of personal transportation and put an end to our dependence on oil. The potential of the new system is vast.
Beanster then went on to explain just how the new vehicles will work:
“Basically, instead of filling up at a Gas Station, drivers will now be able to conveniently refuel their cars in their driveways at home or even while on the road – at no cost… More
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BACK TO THE GARDEN – Short Fiction
02 Mar 2012 9 Comments
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DEAR READERS,
To date, I have only posted funny and satirical stories on my blog. Humor seems to sprout out of my mind like random acts of kindness from a Buddhist Monk. But for this week I decided to stray from the usual and share some of my other work. I started this piece a little while back after waking up one night from a nightmare. I was sweating. Maybe it was my ‘pre/post/pausal’ syndrome hormones kicking in (or perhaps it was the gas I was experiencing after eating at some bad all-you-can-eat buffet). Nonetheless, it left me feeling very disturbed and it stayed with me for a good part of the day. I never finished the story, it was too dark. Then I had another dream – and this time there was much light in it. Light at the end of the tunnel. So I decided to work the two dreams together into one story, embellish it and post it on my blog. It won’t invoke any laughter, but in the end – perhaps a smile or a sense of hope during some challenging times. And so here it is: More
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THE KEY-STONED PIPE-LINE – Short Fiction
24 Feb 2012 8 Comments
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THE KEY-STONED PIPE-LINE by Bonnie Wurst ©2012 – Short Fiction
This just in…
‘Government and Industry Officials from Canada have announced a new proposal to save the controversial Key-Stoned Pipe-Line project from being shelved…’
Prime Minister Harpo of Canada, after expressing his disappointment that the U.S. Government effectively shelved the project until after the 2012 elections, had this to say:
“They might have called it ‘the dirtiest fuel on the planet’… they might have proof that the proposed pipeline ‘will create environmental destruction’ – but what they don’t have is the Canadian spirit… and a majority government. Therefore, considering the great economic benefits and potential of this pipeline we are putting forth a new proposal and will soon re-apply for a U.S. Presidential Permit. Oh, and yes… a top-secret outline of the proposal could be found online at ‘Take-A-Wiki-Leak’, thank-you.”
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THE NEW & IMPROVED KEY-STONED PIPE-LINE:
The new route of the pipeline will start in Alberta, but will now be split into two lines.
> LINE 1 will first head east to Montreal and will carry Canola Oil instead of oil from the Tar Sands. The Canola Oil will be used to produce mega-tons of French Fries with Melted Cheese. It will be accompanied by Montreal’s Famous Smoked Meat sandwiches and packaged into convenient (bio-degradable) Munch boxes.
The Munch boxes will then be sent back into the pipeline, head down into the US along the coast and then turn towards the Mid-US, eventually meeting up with Line 2 at a central distribution plant. More
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LISTEN TO YOUR MAMA!!! – Short Fiction
17 Feb 2012 10 Comments
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LISTEN TO YOUR MAMA! by Bonnie Wurst ©2012 – Short Fiction
‘When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother… what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me…‘(from the 1956 song ‘Que Sera, Sera’ – by Jay Livingston & Ray Evans / Doris Day Show Theme Song 1968-73)
My own mother used to sing that song to me when I was a kid, but unlike the response to the questions above that Doris Day gave,
‘Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que sera, sera…‘,
my mother instead told me this:
- Make sure your socks match
- Never talk with your mouth full
- Keep your elbows off the table
- Say ‘excuse me’ after you burp
- Don’t burp!
- Don’t slurp… and many more things intended to guide me safely into the future.
I took those words to heart, but as the years went by I learned to find my way around them.
- I put my socks on in the dark, so I never really knew if they matched.
- I talked with my mouth full – but that was okay, because I often talked to myself.
- It was easy to keep my elbows off the table – I’m too short so they couldn’t reach anyhow
- I did say ‘excuse me’ after I burped (or slurped), but that was only if I got caught.
Yet I had forgotten one of the most important things she ever told me. More
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‘THE THREE LITTLE HAMS’ – A Warped Tale
10 Feb 2012 6 Comments
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An offering from my warped tale collection…
The Three Little Hams – by Bonnie Wurst ©2012
In a tiny village in the ancient Hampton’s, lived three of the funniest little piglets who at eight weeks old were already known to be quite the hams. They frolicked happily in their pool of mud and their silly antics had everyone in the village, from the Roosters to the Billy Goats, smiling and laughing all day long. But one day the cows came home. Early.
The civil war had finally reached their remote village and before they even had a chance to arm and leg themselves, the enemy arrived. The troops of Giganticous-Mart first introduced themselves (it was a civil war after all) and then proceeded to wipe out every small business in the village. There was instant bankruptcy, not an entrepreneur was spared. They all immediately packed up their meagre belongings and left the village for jobs in the outer kingdoms, never to return again – except for the three little piglets who napped through the whole thing and so survived the carnage. Upon waking, they found the place empty and wandered aimlessly around the deserted village for days, scared and all alone. These little piggies had none. More
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There was a BUSH a MITT and a NEWT (Extended Version) by Bonnie Wurst ©2012
03 Feb 2012 6 Comments
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After posting this short ditty on my Facebook page I received numerous requests for more of The Bush, Mitt & Newt. And so, I now offer you a more detailed version for this week’s post:
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THERE WAS A ‘BUSH’, A ‘MITT’ AND A ‘NEWT’… need I say more?
Okay, okay, I will:
The BUSH got hedged. It was MASS destruction.
The MITT caught the ball in the 4th inning – but they’re reviewing the tape.
The NEWT… well the NEWT, he just slithered away when he found out his real name was ‘Lissotriton VULGARIS’. (True scientific name!)
They say it’s all in the name… and that’s all I have to say.
Except this: More
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SIZE MINUS DOUBLE ZERO… Short Story
27 Jan 2012 8 Comments
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A little shorter than the first story… but hopefully ‘double’ your pleasure!
SIZE MINUS DOUBLE ZERO – by Bonnie Wurst ©2012
I thought it was a scarf at first. I liked the color and pattern, so I removed it from the rack to check it out. The fabric was soft to the touch and I decided to try it on but I couldn’t unfold it. Perhaps it was a Toque I thought, but upon closer inspection, I discovered it had sleeves!
It was a T-Shirt. A SIZE ‘O’ T-Shirt – as clearly indicated on the content label (which by the way was almost the size of one of the sleeves). I was perplexed. I know I don’t go shopping often, but I’ve never encountered anything less than a size 4 before. I’ve always been a double-digit woman.
A saleswoman approached and asked if I needed any help. I showed her the T-Shirt and the label, my face scrunched up in confusion, my eyes pleading for an explanation. More
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Happily Ever After – Story
12 Jan 2012 5 Comments
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I decided to post a new short story written over the holidays. A bit long for a blog, but worth a read through.
Happily Ever After – by Bonnie Wurst ©2012
… And they lived happily ever after.
But for the Hill family that was only after living not-so-happily ever before. It all ended well for sure with little Rudy saving the world and all, but for his parents Jack & Jill, it had been an up the hill struggle for many years.
Jack first met Jill when he was out fetching a pail of water for his father. When he arrived at the top of the hill, there stood the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was filling her bottles at the community well and as soon as she saw Jack she became totally enamoured with him. As Jack approached, Jill’s bottle runneth over. It was love at first sight. They gazed into each others eyes and within moments they knew they would be spending the rest of their lives together. They embraced in a passionate kiss, causing Jill to drop her bottle. Jack (being the gentleman he was) went to pick it up, but he tripped on a rock and fell down. Jill reached out for him, but his big bucket got in the way and that’s how they ended up tumbling down together for the first time. More
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